It Continues

So following on from my last post. Apologies it has taken a while for me to write the next part, I have so much happening in my life right now I haven't found the time. Also, I've been so happy I've not really wanted to revisit it yet but, I know I can't just leave it.

Anyway, after I was turned away from my family with coming back home, I just moved into my at the time boyfriends' grandparents house. Everything was fine, going to school, coming back, chilling on the laptop, going sleep and so on. Things then started to change. He started making comments of people I hung around with, so I ended up always being with him. I started losing friends as I was never with them. I stopped communicating with them as he didn't like it. He kept mentioning about my makeup, the things I wear. Not long after I was always wearing hoodies, and jeans. Not that I don't like that, I still wear that style now, it's comfortable. It was him behind it that I didn't like.

He then started excluding me from being around him all the time, saying I was getting too clingy,

" It's bad enough having to live with you "

I had no friends left as he pushed me away from them. I wasn't allowed to be with him. So then I started skipping school again. His Grandparents got calls from school asking why I'm not in school, so when I went back that evening he started arguments with me.

It just got shittier and shittier.

I started staying in school just so he wouldn't argue with me when I got back. Eventually, he started arguments over things that weren't my fault. Made it as though it was my fault. I ended up going to bed in tears.

The one thing he had over me, was the fact that he knew I had nowhere else to go. My family didn't want me back. I had no friends to go to.

In time though I started to make my friends back. My best friend and I have always been up and down. We were kids and was a strange friendship. I started stopping over at hers now and again just to get out of the hell. Came back to arguments which I fully expected. I started going ice-skating again, made a lovely friend there too. She didn't live around here but her Nan did and she came over nearly every weekend so I ended up staying over at hers after skating.

She ended up getting together with one of my old friends from where I lived so I connected back with a whole group full of friends. Lads...now that was a big issue.

I had friends, I had getaway time, I had freedom. He wasn't liking this. He started being really nice, like creepy nice, wanting to hang around with us, be there. Keep an eye on me more like. He didn't skate but always ended up just being there. My friends all started catching on, started making comments to me about it, I listened. I knew, but what could I do.

Arguments carried on when we got back. It started getting more and more. To the point, it was every single time. He would argue with me for hours. There were a few times he said it was over throughout living there, he wouldn't speak to me for days. Then when he decided he wanted to be nice again, he would come into my room late at nice and "make up"

Me being so lost, alone, vulnerable, let him. He'd have his way then go back to his bed. Next day straight back to arguing again. I just wanted out, I didn't want to be there, I was 15 and I didn't know what to do. I'd been there a few months now, I still wasn't wanted back at home.

I got a message from my Dad on Facebook one day out of the blue. Said my stuff is in black bags and to get somebody to come and pick it up. Was it chuff. So I asked can I have some of my stuff and will he give me it. Told me to sort it out with Social and to

"not call him Dad as he it not"

Now this sentence I didn't take much notice of. I just thought he was being a dick. It started playing on my mind for a few weeks, eventually, I went and got my Birth Certificate. Turns out, he wasn't my biological Dad. What a way to tell me he wasn't my Dad, on Facebook. Now I didn't take this very well, I just went into an ass hole teenager. Let's be fair, would you expect a kid to just take that on the chin and go on with life as normal. The only problem is, My boyfriend literally just had a bingo with that one. He knew I needed him.

All this didn't affect anything from him. If anything it made him worse as I stopped fighting back. He would be making arguments, turning things into my fault. I'd just sit there and cry. He would be up in my face till stupid time in the morning, making me feel like nothing. Then he would have sex with me and go to his room. This started becoming a regular occurrence. School, go back, put up with his shit till early hours of the morning, have sex with me then fucks off. I was falling asleep in my classes, or just not going to them and finding somewhere to sleep. My friends started drifting away again as I started going into a bubble. Just sat in the corner of the class away from anybody. Either sleeping or just not wanting to go back.

People say why didn't you just go somewhere, tell anybody. It's not that easy. I was scared, I was 15, I had nobody. I didn't know what would happen to me, I'd still have to see him at school too. I had a roof, I had a shower, I had food and a bed.

I lived with him for a fair few months, January to August. It was going on for months and I didn't know how to stop it. When he finally stopped arguing I knew what was coming. I'd just lay there, silent. Didn't move, didn't make a sound. I started feeling numb. I stopped saying no, I stopped fighting it, it didn't work. I'd not go to sleep, I'd just lay there crying. Waiting for my alarm to go off so I could wash him off me.

He Broke me. He broke me down to nothing. Make me feel worthless, unwanted, ugly, dirty. He never did anything wrong. It was always my fault.

One thing I'm proud of today is, I never turned to drugs. I smoked, which he hated but that was my drug, just a pack of cigs.

So all this carried on for months, it didn't stop. Then came the summer holidays. Yay...

It just got worse. I tried to be out as much as possible. I started talking to a lad from skating, he worked there and he drove. So he'd pick me up and take me out for the day with friends, we'd just chill on the park, have fun, laugh. It got to the point that he would pick me up every day, either take me to see my friends or take me to the ice rink whilst he was at work. He even left me the keys so I could climb in the back and get some sleep. I never told him or my friends what was going on when I got back that night, just that I needed to get out of there as much as possible. There was the odd day or two where I didn't go out, and on one of these days, he had gone out. Cool, I don't mind. He came back later that day and had brought a girl back with him. Turned out to be my best friend. Are you fucking kidding me?

I didn't keep quiet I expressed my feeling about this knowing full well what would happen later that night. He wasn't having it but I kept going till I made her that uncomfortable that she didn't want to stay. They ended up "getting together" for about a week and she broke it off as she "felt bad". She didn't give a shit, and all I was thinking was I didn't want her to be me. He ended up walking her for a bus, coming back and just throwing everything he had at me. Making me out to be some crazy ex-girlfriend, some psycho bitch that wouldn't let him do anything or see anybody. saying I never give him space I'm always there wherever he turns. This went on till his Grandparents came home, he behaved when we were around them, they didn't do anything wrong, and he didn't want to reveal his true colours. As soon as they had gone to bed he came into my room and started again. Broke me down to tears, to the point that I'm the one apologising to him. Then he gets in my bed. He knew what he was doing. As soon as he started saying "you dirty slag" that was it. He'd known what he was doing the whole time.

At the start of August, there was a family holiday. I lived there, I was classed as "family". I was not looking forward to this. We ended up going camping somewhere, and we had our own tent...fucking fantastic. let's all play happy families.

The night before had said some things that had just called it for me. I'd had enough. Fun family holiday he thinks, Nah. I'm done. I mean I went yeah, but I didn't make it enjoyable. I knew I'd pay for it that night, but throughout the day I just kept trying to wind him up, get him to argue. Start arguing with me. Making comments that would piss him off. First few days were fucking hell. We were meant to be there for 2 weeks. HA!

Just short of a week I finally pushed his buttons. He finally started arguing with me in front of everybody. Bingo. Now, this wasn't just an argument this was our final argument... He went mental. We got told to go back to the tent with his Father and sort it out. He ended up taking me back home. Both of us. We'd got back, and he packed me a black bag and told me to get out. Now, it may have backfired a little, but I was out. I had no idea but I was out.

I could have just walked out, but he'd broke me that much I didn't feel like I could. But for him to kick me out. That was a relief. What the fuck am I to do now...

I will continue what happens after in my next blog post as this got pretty long.

All My Love